Tuesday, June 7, 2011

A Cry for Mercy

Dear Men,

I've had enough.  I just can't stand it any more.  What are you thinking when you dress in a ratty golf shirt and baggy assed jeans to take your wife/girl friend/date out?  Really?  And you expect to get some?  If you don't think dressing properly is good for your own sake, please take pity on the rest of us that have to look at you, including your date. Because I know most of you do not subscribe to GQ, here is a list of clothing that you own and should take to your backyard and burn immediately.  Don't donate it to charity, no one deserves it.

Let's start from the top down.  Baseball hats are for baseball games, golf, and yard work.  I don't care if you are going bald.  God decided you have a beautiful scalp, don't argue with God.  If you must wear a hat, go with something else, but be warned, unless you are a stylish black man, you probably will not be able to pull off that brim.  Get a really good hair cut and leave the hat at home.

There is nothing wrong with a nice golf shirt.  Repeat, a nice golf shirt.  The faded, stained, frayed golf shirts should be torched immediately.  A good rule of thumb is if you can't remember purchasing the shirt or you wore it while repairing a toilet you should use it as kindling.  While we are on the subject of shirts, let's cover the ubiquitous and misunderstood t-shirt.  Again, there is nothing wrong with a nice t-shirt.  However, the beer t-shirts, the "I'm with stupid" t-shirts, and any sexually explicit t-shirts, no matter how cute, are not likely to score you points or anything else.  You can save one ratty t-shirt for yard and house work, knowing that taking care of the honey do list is foreplay for your significant other.  But if you take her out to dinner in it, you deserve to be darted and have your limp form covered in Sharpie tattoos.  Keep in mind, it won't kill you to wear a collared shirt out.

There has been a disturbing uptick in "Dad" jeans on men.  If the jeans come up to your arm pits while the seat bags around your knees, you can add them to the bonfire.  Really guys, check your ass in the mirror before you buy the jeans.  However, don't go too far the other way and make the mistake of trying to pull off the ghetto jean.  Unless you were recently released from prison and don't own a belt or you really are a rapper, you can't pull this one off.  Remember, there are other types of pants other than jeans too.  Maybe a pair of khakis or even, gasp! dress slacks.  Honestly, you will not have an allergic reaction to fabric that is not ring spun cotton.

There is a male fashion so prevalent and so misguided that I have to address it separately from everything else.  I am talking about the dreaded cargo short.  You know the shorts that are the masculine equivalent to the crop.  They fall below the knee and have huge pockets on each thigh.  I am not sure I can express how unbelievably unattractive this article of clothing is.  If you have long legs, they make your legs look short.  If you have short legs, you look like a dwarf.  The pockets make your thighs look twice as big.  The reason why you don't see the models in GQ wearing them?  Because no one, and I mean absolutely no one, looks good in them.  Burn them immediately!  The person who designed them should be forced to watch unending loops of Joan Rivers fashion commentary with their eyelids taped open.

Sneakers don't count as shoes. If you are taking your date to a sporting event you might get away with it.  However, unless you are on the field, wear shoes.  If the only footwear you own is constructed of "man made material" set it free by throwing it in the inferno.  Go to the store, purchase a nice pair of loafers made from leather and get a shoe shine kit too. It won't do any good to get all gussied up and then have shoes that look like you just finished trekking the Amazon.  It only takes a minute to shine your shoes and it says "I care."

Ok, so now the fire fighters have left and a good portion of your wardrobe is ashes in your backyard.  Now something very important has to be addressed.  It is complicated so I will use small words.  Fit.  Some rules of thumb regarding fit.  If you can pull your pants off without unbuttoning them, they are too big.  I'm not talking about buying clothes that are too tight.  I just had a shiver run down my spine, because that was a scary thought.  But your clothes should fit.  I understand you have a little belly, but wearing a tent does not make the belly look smaller.  It makes me wonder if I am going to see you on Late Night after you give birth.  If you have a strange shape or proportionally short legs get to know a good tailor.  Every fashionista will tell you it's not just what you wear, it's how well it fits.

I've done informal surveys while out in public and most women try to look decent.  If you're a guy, the view isn't bad.  The men, though, are sluffing around in the their ratty jeans and sloppy t-shirts looking like they just rolled out of bed.  From the female perspective, the view sucks.  Men complain that frequency of sex decreases in a long term relationship.  Have you ever thought it's because you look like a train wreck when you take your partner out?  I guess what I am saying is that you have a responsibility for keeping the world a beautiful place as much as women do.  So have mercy on me and burn those cargo shorts!


  1. Here, here... lets all raise a glass and toast that one. I am with you 100%. Thank goodness my hubby doesn't subscribe to any of that dress code except for the plethora of concert t-shirts he owns. (He only wears those to knock around in.) Thanks for posting this one Jeanne!

  2. @Valerie B.

    I'm pretty lucky in that department too. I think Michael has more clothes than I do! I just hate going to a fairly nice restaurant and seeing some guy looking like his store of choice is the dumpster behind the Salvation Army.